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Some kids get to meet and know their birthmom or birthdad. Some kids had to go through the foster care system to be adopted. Some kids were born in a different country and never met their birthparents.



We know your birthmom’s life would have made it very hard to raise you. That may be the reason she chose what’s called a “Closed Adoption.” A Closed Adoption means that you may only ever have a little bit of information about your birthfamily – maybe a picture, maybe a letter, maybe just a name. It’s okay to be sad and mad about that sometimes. You may never have the answers to all your questions.


Why don’t you take what you know about your birthfamily and write down what you imagine the rest to be? Give your birthdad your eyes, have your birthmom dance the same way you do. Think about some things about you that are different from your family and assign them to your birthfamily. That way you can form a picture in your mind, and when you realize that nobody else in your family sneezes three times in a row, you can say, “Hey! I bet I got that from my birthdad! Cool!”


You are connected to your birthfamily in a thousand different ways, even if you can’t talk to them and see them.


If you have an “Open Adoption,” you may get to visit and get to know your birthfamily. This can be really fun, but can be confusing, too. Your birthfamily may be in a different place than when you were born. Maybe your birthmom was a teenager when she had you.


Now she is old enough and she is ready to get married and have babies that she’s capable of raising. This can be hard because she didn’t keep you. But guess what? You still get to be part of her family! Her kids are your birth-brothers and birth-sisters! You get the benefit of having two sets of families who love you. Your birthmom’s placement of you in a family who loves you and adopted you helped her make better choices for her life, too.


You saved her life just like she saved yours!



There aren’t any rules for relationships with your birthfamily. It may change over the years – you may get closer or you may stop seeing each other.  That can be confusing, as well.

Your birthmom and/or birthdad may make better choices in their lives, but then can fail again. Your parents may decide it’s better for you not to have a relationship for a while. You have to trust your mom and dad. Remember they want the very, very best for you and are protecting you. If you’re sad or confused about your birthfamily relationship, though, make sure you talk to your mom and dad about it. You may be old enough now to hear some details that you weren’t ready for when you were younger.

Your birthmom or birthdad may also choose not to have as close a relationship with you for now. This doesn’t mean that it will be forever, but it may be too painful for them to see you doing so well. Remember how much your birthparents loved you when they chose to place you for adoption? That love never ever goes away, but sometimes they need to separate from you to stop being sad all the time about not getting to have you as their own.


Keep praying for your birthfamily. Ask Jesus to give you the relationship that’s going to be best for all of you. And if you still want a relationship but your parents say now is not a good time to have a relationship with your birthfamily, ask Jesus to help you accept that for now, and maybe someday those things will change.


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